Big Rock Candy Mountain

The official voice of the Deseret Liberation Organization

Obama to speak in Utah Irredenta

Obama is going to promote his anti-reality plan today in one the larger burghs of the Mormon Empire:

Obama will announce his Housing Save shortly, from the “where?” suburb of Phoenix called “Mesa, Arizona.” Mesa is one of those places that had 722 residents in the year 1900. Now, it’s got nearly a half-million people, most of them added since 1980. Like the rest of Phoenix and Las Vegas and San Diego and the “Inland Empire” and the entirety of Florida, Mesa has been foreclosed upon, by Fate.

Basically, all the silly towns made up by developers in the ’70s on the ruins of failed 1850s Mormon settlements are probably going to return to desert, like they should; people will go back to living in places where you can survive without air conditioning, vaguely-worded contracts, and Mexican slave-labor. The Church won’t sell the half of Florida it still owns, and Las Vegas will revert to being a Cove Fort-style place for your grandparents to torment you on the way to/from L.A., except controlled by the Mafia. Even if Obama succeeds in saving people who will do anything a realtor tells them to do, concern for the environment and/or actual environmental devastation will halt desert growth, meaning that bands will once again regularly stop in inhabitable Western cities like Salt Lake, Denver, and Missoula instead of imaginary places like Taos, Tempe, or Henderson. Coachella and Burning Man will be relocated to Ketchum and Provo (with “man” replaced by “third-rate cow college”).

[Wonkette]

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Filed under: Politics, Utah Politics

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