Big Rock Candy Mountain

The official voice of the Deseret Liberation Organization

Obama’s hair options

Vincent Hussein Obama

A suggestion for the ears.

Jamie Malonowski thinks the current economic crisis requires Barack Obama to grow a beard:

But there just might be a good reason for Obama to grow a beard: foreign policy. Consider that in the almost 100 years from Wilson to Bush that America has had clean-shaven presidents, the following individuals have been prominent among its enemies: Pancho Villa, Kaiser Wilhelm, Adolf Hitler, Emperor Hirohito, Hideki Tojo, Josef Stalin, Fidel Castro, Ho Chi Minh, Gamal Abdel-Nasser, Hafez al-Assad, Daniel Ortega, the Ayatollah Khomeini, Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden, and right now we’re not exactly sweet on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Who knows? But the evidence points to a trend—and an opportunity. A bearded Obama would show the world that America bears no one ill will. Everyone starts with a clean slate, if not a clean lip.

At his press conference to announce Bill Richardson as his commerce secretary, Obama reacted to Richardson’s new clean-shavenness: “For some reason, maybe because it was scratchy when he kissed his wife, he was forced to get rid of it—but we’re deeply disappointed with the loss of the beard.”

Are there any 11-year-old girls out there who would like to send the president-elect an email?

I agree with the general sentiment. However, I think Obama shoud go beyond that. He should emphasize his status as the first African-American president and the first big change since 1980 by also growing an afro. After the recent revelation that he uses the less-than-hip Microsoft Zune, a ‘fro would be the best way for him to gain vital cred with the hipsters spent hours in Colorado and Ohio, putting him into office (unless, of course, he was sporting the Zune ironically). It doesn’t need to be a big afro, just something that emphasizes his blackness, cool, and youth. If he grew a ’70s-style ‘stache, it would be even cooler.

For the record, Richardson should make like Geraldo and grow a Mexi-stache. It is just the message young Latino males need today: you can grow a mustache and reach the highest echelons of American society as long as you stay in school.

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