Big Rock Candy Mountain

The official voice of the Deseret Liberation Organization

Palin returns to sea-igloo in shame

Yes, Sarah Palin has not become the next vice-president of our Great Republic, despite her valiant efforts. This means she must serve the next two years as Alaska governor, which will be increasingly difficult given the lower price of oil and the fact that every Democrat or Independent in the Republic now hates her. Wonkette offers a brilliant political epitaph.

Palin’s behavior is exactly what happens when some ignorant white trash wins the lottery: total excess, ending in bankruptcy. But she bankrupted an entire major political party, ha ha. Also, her behavior is exactly like that of a gangsta-rapper who briefly hits the big time and immediately covers themselves in golden trinkets.

Sarah Palin is only the 2nd worst pick

Sarah Palin is only the 2nd worst pick

If Sarah Palin truly is the future of the Grand Olde Party, I can see the pary on the brink of splintering and totally at odds. The small evangelical-conservative-Utah wing seems happy, but the the East Coast elite-intellectual conservative and the Western gun-toting Willy Nelson pragmatist wings of the party are truly weirded out. It will look like the Democrats in the late ’60s to early ’70s, with various portions of the party competing and backbiting incessantly, the establishment v. the outsiders, regional/racial/generational cleavages, &c. But the party shall endure. Only the Civil War could kill the Whigs, and there is nowhere near the amount of division in our nation now as there was then. Plus, the Republicans have produced many great presidents; the Whigs were erratic, but did pack a punch in Congress.

Nevertheless, the “Thrillah from Wasilla” looks almost as bad as Hubert Humphrey or Tom Eagleton. You Republicans truly have my condolences. Look to our example for a party that tried to kill itself perpetually for decades eventually making it back to the light.

In other Alaska news, noted crook and criminal Ted Stevens seems to be headed toward reelection, despite the fact that the GOP has distanced itself greatly from him (or perhaps because of that). He will assuredly either resign or be forced out of the Senate very shortly, leaving Alaska voters to decide who will represent them in the Senate very quickly in a special election. And some talk of Palin running for that post has already given Democrats and Independents something new to laugh about. Perhaps Tina Fey will have to return to Saturday Night Live permanently after all. I fear the quality of 30 Rock may suffer. Please, Alaska, think of Tina Fey when you vote; America’s second-greatest female comedian needs our love and prayers today. America’s funniest female comedian is likely very happy with herself, as exit polls show the Great Schlep was a major success (though Wyatt Cenac may have had something to do with that as well).

Anyways, the author must now go over his Persian grammar. He is very greatful to live in a country where voting is not just a facade for the theocracy and stuff besides the suspicious deaths of political allies will occur when a reformist takes control of the executive. A country with no constitutionally-mandated token minorities, but one where experts and leaders of all races, colors, creeds, sexes, sexual orientations, and regional background are afforded an equal opportunity to serve for the betterment of their nation and the world. Where politics and religion, the two great passions of men, do not interfere with one another, but respectfully work together from time to time so that all may be afforded the rights given them by God.

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